Life Work: Boundaries

K. from Seattle asks: You’ve mentioned having “epically screwy” parents.  Sometimes I think the reason I’ve never married is because I would never want to subject a spouse to the unpleasantness of interaction with my family. What is your relationship with your parents now and how does that affect your relationship with your husband?

My Dear K,

Because you reference it, and because you may have gone so far as to avoid union due to it, I am tempted to pop this reply into Epically Screwy. I am also tempted to think of you as Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black, the first “old guy” I ever found sexy. I will refrain. 

I will also proceed to categorize this response under Human But Loving. It is entirely human to respond to dysfunction by avoiding what could be unpleasant, even if it means we avoid all the good stuff, too. Additional entirely human choices:

• we default to doing exactly what our parents did;
• we deliberately do only the opposite.

All have their drawbacks. None are particularly loving toward self.

To finish answering the first part of the question with a seguey to the second: my relationship with my parents is governed by clear boundaries. My relationship with my husband is affected only if I let slip my boundaries. Good boundaries enable me to navigate situations that used to baffle me. Good boundaries are the reason my marriage is not a repeat of my parents’. Good boundaries are the reason my children can be descended from the mentally ill and the pedophilic without me having to worry that they will be similarly afflicted. Good boundaries are the reason you can trust I am not fantasizing about Tommy Lee Jones when I said I wouldn’t.

I can’t say enough about developing good boundaries. Here is where I got them. Go get ‘em.